MAGICAL ME
by Jennifer Longbottom
Summary: A leaflet for that great work of literature, the most brilliant piece of fiction ever written! Oh - it's an autobiography. Sorry.


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MAGICAL ME

To be found at all good bookstores

Gilderoy Lockhart Strikes Again!

I, Gilderoy Lockhart, say nothing of my high birth. Purebloods aren't everything, you know, and my family is incredibly rich, but I suppose there are a few bad eggs, Squibs, and such nonsense.

My father was a young wizard nobleman, an Earl, in fact. My mother is a wealthy socialite, and they adored me, their only child.

I had everything you could wish for, as well as my beautiful golden hair, and my deep blue eyes, I was stunningly handsome, and my inward qualities were fantastic. I was brave, clever, powerful, wise, loyal, just, and above all, I had my smile. A smile, which in the distant future would break records.

I loved my parents dearly, and when they died, I was devastated. I was twenty-one by then, and I knew I would fight to honour their memory.

To boldly go, where no man has gone before, is my motto. It also shows that I have no prejudice against Muggles, since it is from a Muggle television show named Star Trek, or some name like that. 

Back to my early years.

My letter for Hogwarts came, as I expected, and I boarded the train to meet with some seventh years. Sirius Black, whom you all know as the insane mass-murderer, and the head boy and later father of the famous Harry Potter, James Potter.

I acquainted myself with them before going to find other first years. I met Remus Lupin, the third member of their little clique, in the dangerously narrow passageway between the carriages.

I found a very nervous first year boy in my carriage, and I tried in vain to soothe his fears. I myself wasn't particularly afraid, just excited.

When we were sorted, I went to Hufflepuff for my loyalty, fairness, friendliness, and my willingness to work. The hat debated between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw for a long time, though.

My exploits, namely getting on to the Quidditch team as a reserve Chaser, my witness of the brutal killing of the unicorns in my third year, and the mischief I caused went down into the school annals.

My optional subjects were Muggle Studies, Divination, and Care of Magical Creatures. Muggle Studies was_ most_ interesting. My young friend from the train, Simon Daniels, was a Gryffindor halfblood, and he took Divination, Ancient Runes, and Care of Magical Creatures.

Once I had left Hogwarts, I was thrown out on to the hardships of the world. My startling career had begun.

First, my defeat of the Wagga Wagga Werewolf, in which I performed the extremely complex Homorphus Charm, which sapped my strength considerably. I was very, very, lucky that it worked, and I didn't get bitten. Imagine, it would spoil the smooth skin where it was placed forever!

Then the desperate destruction of the ghouls in the town of Bennawassa. My favourite method was the one I used last, where I coaxed the ghoul into materialising into the tea strainer, and killing it with scalding hot water.

My travels went far and wide as my fame spread. Eventually I returned to my native England, and wrote my books, which I am sure you have read. As you know, I detest conceitedness, so I will spend no time on the fact that the books sold increasingly high sales, which have grown higher in the past two months.

I am now about to start a new career in teaching. I am teaching at Hogwarts, in the Defence Against the Dark Arts post. As I am devoting my life now to instructing children against the Dark Arts, I will discontinue my books, and leave it all to my dear fans.

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Gilderoy Lockhart is indeed beginning to teach, and so for the first two months, while he is settling in, he would be obliged if you would not bombard him with post during that time. You will indeed get an answer from darling Gilderoy, but it will take longer than usual. He says that he doesn't mind really, but **we** all_ know the difficulty, and we don't want to make things harder for our dearest Gilderoy, do we?_

A/N: Ergh. Disgusting, I think, and it's rubbish. This is not the autobiography; it's an advertisement for it. I think Merlyn did something similar -- the Gilderoy Lockhart Fan Club Magazine -- which was really funny -- or it was to me, anyway -- so go and read that next.

Disclaimer: Gilderoy Lockhart's parents belong to me -- or maybe they don't, he wasn't born out of thin air -- was he? Anyway Simon Daniels is mine, and he is in The Three Saviours -- I'm plugging shamelessly here -- but no one else -- except Bennawassa belong to me.

On second thoughts about Lockhart's parents, I was told in a RE lesson a couple of years ago that if you mix up a load of stuff -- including grass (or moss) and water -- and leave it for fifty thousand years, it will turn into a weird, soggy, grassy person.

Seriously weird. Remember D.T.T.A.H.! (Don't Try This At Home)

Must-Read Author: Merlyn, her Snape-fics are really good.

Quote of the fic: "_Count not my broken pledges as a crime. I MEANT them, HOW I meant them, at the time._" David Lloyd George, a.k.a the Welsh Wizard.

Jenny.

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